First Anniversary of My Husband's Death

Anniversaries of memorable and life changing events 

are celebrated in many ways. 

     You don't think of the death of a loved on as a day to celebrate an anniversary, but it is! Whether you want to or not, the date brings back vivid memories. As the date approaches there are intense emotions and changes in the physical, intellectual and spiritual dimensions of your life. 

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places"

--Ernest Hemingway

Healing Comes When We Honor Our Loved One 

By Sharing and Symbolic Activities

Robert Eugene Field

30 Sept 1930 - 9 May 2012

     As the anniversary of my husband's death approached, I decided to be gentle with myself and include my daughter in some sort of special remembrance of his life and our lives together. 
     Bob loved cooking and food in general. He won my heart by cooking amazing dinners for me when I first visited him in Nashville, TN. I have a video of him making his famous meatballs! But first and foremost he loved Indian food. He often told people that when he lived in England, working for Proctor and Gamble, he would occasionally have to commute to London and catch the late train home to Newcastle located further north. So he'd go to Soho and eat dinner, trying a new restaurant each time. He was walking down the street and this wonderful smell of exotic spices wafted out to meet him as he walked down the street. He followed his nose and found an Indian Restaurant. He said from that day on he always came back to that Indian Restaurant because he was hooked. 
     Whenever we traveled... anywhere in the world from Atlanta, GA to Bangkok, Thailand we found the local Indian Restaurant to try out. My mother, knowing how much he loved Indian food, bought him a wonderful cookbook and from that day on, Chicken Curry became one of our family's  "special" dinner treats. Although he followed the recipe book, Bob would tweek it so that every time it was just a little different. Brianna and I laugh at the memory of that page in his cookbook. It is so covered with yellow and brown spots, greasy prints and stains that it "could almost stand on its own!"
     The restaurant we found here in Tucson is called Saffron: Indian Bistro located on North Oracle. Bob and I went there several times. It was a bit pricey for our budget, but the lunch buffet was within our budget at $8.95. 

Saffron Indian Bistro, North Oracle Blvd., Tucson, AZ

     Brianna and Bob had their last Daddy-Daughter date at this wonderful restaurant about a month before he died. In fact, he never left the house again after this date. I asked if she would like to go there this year to remember him. Yes!
     It was truly a wonderful day!! Could've been sad, but wasn't... Having Bri there was just the sweetest thing, and we did do lots of remembering... like the great waitress at Saffron who had asked Bob, "Is there anything more I can get you?" and Bob answering, "Yes, another little bowl of Khir (tasty rice desert)" and she brought maybe as many as four more little bowls to him!!! 

Visiting Bob's Grave Site Seemed An Appropriate 

Symbolic Activity To Share With Brianna

     Not knowing how long this would take, Bri got a baby sitter and we went to the LDS Binghampton Cemetery, located on North Alvernon Way in Tucson, AZ,  first thing this morning. Yesterday, I'd gone to Michael's to find some type of container and white flowers (preferably Bob's favorite...roses) to place by his grave. Something tasteful, that he would like. I found no roses but did discover white geraniums that said they were water resistant. The only container I could find in metal was a tall vase like shape in a bronze color. I went to Ace Hardware and bought Quik-Crete. Last night I poured this mortar into the vase and set the flowers into it along with a couple tubes that I could insert flags into if I wanted on some later date. This made it full to the edge of the vase so that during the rainy season, water would not sit in it to create a place for mosquitoes to breed.  It also made it heavy enough so that wind wouldn't blow it over. It set up hard as rock overnight.
Just to be certain it wouldn't blow over or be removed, however, we dug a shallow ditch, mixed up more Crete and poured it into the hole, then set the vase into it.

Notice the howling coyote?  Dale Leeson, a very talented metal artist, created the howling coyote that I'd placed there when Taylor Lancaster and I visited his grave last fall.

     Then we noticed that there was a gallon water jug behind his headstone and that someone had planted a barrel cactus just behind his grave to the right. What a cute little surprise. Someone, and I think it was Bob's son, Rob, planted this little barrel cactus. They left a gallon of water there so whoever came to visit could give it a little drink. And we did! 

A Small Barrel Cactus Symbolic of Surviving in a Hostile Land

 What a delightful day of Remembering and Healing!

Death, Dying and Day of the Dead

SCRIPTURE:

“O how great the goodness of our God, who prepareth a way for our escape from the grasp of this awful monster; yea, that monster, death and hell, which I call the death of the body, and also the death of the spirit.

“And because of the way of deliverance of our God, the Holy One of Israel, this death, of which I have spoken, which is the temporal, shall deliver up its dead; which death is the grave.

“And this death of which I have spoken, which is the spiritual death, shall deliver up its dead; which spiritual death is hell; wherefore, death and hell must deliver up their dead, and hell must deliver up its captive spirits, and the grave must deliver up its captive bodies, and the bodies and the spirits of men will be restored one to the other; and it is by the power of the resurrection of the Holy One of Israel.”

–2 Nephi 9:10 - 12

Death and Dying are Central Themes

for Remembering our Dead in Holiday Celebrations

            Usually when Halloween approaches we find ourselves deciding upon costumes for ourselves and our children, buying candy to give out as treats, decorating our homes, carving pumpkins or jack-o’-lanterns, visiting haunted attractions, bobbing for apples, telling scary stories and watching a lot of horror movies. My mom used to dress up to greet the kids at the door (often scaring them a bit) and then after we were all tucked in for the night would go to visit and party with neighborhood friends. She always decorated the front door and porch area. This was at a time in the 1950’s when not many were doing this, so our house became a sure stop for trick-or-treaters.

            The word Halloween comes from All-Hallows-Even (evening) or the night before all Hallow’s Day or All Saints Day. Trick or treating –resembles a late medieval practice of “souling” when the poor would go door to door on Hallowmas (Nov.1) receiving food in return for prayers for the dead on All Souls Day (Nov. 2). This tradition of trick-or-treating was called “Guising” in Scotland and Ireland –children disguised in costume would go door to door for cakes, fruit or money, often carrying a lantern carved from a turnip to light the way (1895). Today’s U. S. tradition began about 1930 although mention of parts come as early as 1911. 

The Grim Reaper by autistic boy in Tucson

            When I lived in Guadalajara, Mexico in the late 1990’s, I was surprised to find children celebrating a typical U.S. style Halloween with costumes, trick or treating , and gathering great bags of candy. I was surprised because the most popular and traditional celebration in Mexico is called the Day of the Dead (Dia de los Muertos). This is where family and friends gather on the Catholic holidays of All Saints Day (Nov. 1) and All Souls Day (Nov.2) to pray for family members who have died. In remembrance of a specific deceased person, they will build private altars using marigold flowers, photos, memorabilia and sugar skulls then prepare the deceased person’s favorite foods and beverages. They take these gifts to the grave site of their ancestor. This three day event finds families cleaning the graves and cemeteries before they decorate. Then the celebrations take over. Some have picnics or even spend the night beside the graves of their ancestors telling humorous events and stories about the departed.

Day of the Dead Offerings in Mexico

Decorating Ancestors Graves in Mexico

Similarly themed traditions and holidays appear all over the world. Some of these include Bon Festival in Japan; Chuseok or Hangawi in Korea; Ching Ming and pin yin in China; Gai Jatra in Nepal. Brazil and Spain also celebrate similar to Mexico. African cultures have bits and parts of this celebration or remembering of the dead in ceremonies spread throughout the year.

The anniversary of this little boy's birth is remembered

This is the memorial of Cooper Hamblin Koffer - What Fun!

Located in East Lawn Cemetery, Provo, UT

           

MY QUESTION FOR YOU: Will you remember a deceased person this week? You might take a moment to think of your ancestors or those who have recently died in your circle of family and friends. Will you write a humorous memory about them or a story that will entertain their descendants for years to come? Or perhaps you will find someone on this date was born, died or was married in your genealogies.

MY SUGGESTION: Read the Bible Dictionary description of Death and ponder the two deaths described. Death and dying are part of the Plan of Salvation. Physical dying must come to us all. I call this an ordinance date for it is one of three dates that we record for identifying a specific person in our family history research to prepare them for submission for temple ordinances. We can not provide this work for a deceased person before they have been dead for exactly one year. Our responsibilities also are for our own direct ancestors first; these usually take us back about 100 years. 

As we ponder our own mortality we, as Latter-day Saints, must surely think about the consequence of our own sins for we do indeed make our own spiritual death by our works, our thoughts and our actions. It is this spiritual death that the world worries so much about. Granted, we sorrow and mourn for our dead. We miss them and think about them. What a glorious and joyful light has broken upon the world with the restoration of the gospel and the saving ordinances performed for our dead. The rest of the world is focused on the grave. We are focused on the Resurrection and the promise and hope of eternal life.

           

QUOTE:  “Ode: Intimations of Immortality” –by William Wordsworth

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:

The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,

Hath had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar:

Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come

From God, who is our home:

Heaven lies about us in our infancy!

Shades of the prison-house begin to close

Upon the growing Boy,

But He beholds the light, and whence it flows,

He sees it in his joy;

The Youth, who daily farther from the east

Must travel, still is Nature's Priest,

And by the vision splendid

Is on his way attended;

At length the Man perceives it die away,

And fade into the light of common day.

THOUGHT:  Our birth is indeed a sleep and a forgetting; and we do enter this earthly body trailing clouds of glory, just ask any parent who has looked upon a newborn baby. Our Father in Heaven must say good bye to us for a small season when we come down to live upon the earth. He watches over us, rejoices in our repentance, baptism and our obedience to his commandments. He delights in our diligent prayers and scripture study. He wants us to succeed so that when we die, we return to Him having lived a righteous life from youth to the end. Our death to Him is a joyful reunion, for we are his heirs and he will give us the greatest of all treats when we knock upon His door, that of eternal life and the promise of “all that he has.”

In your patriarchal blessing do you  find such phrases as “rightful inheritance in the promised land”, “binding  for time and all eternity”, “a kingdom that shall never fail”, “a place in the celestial kingdom” or “come forth in the morning of the first resurrection to receive an inheritance”?  These phrases will be a comfort to you and a reminder to reverence the Lord, and provide for your ancestors the opportunities and blessings they did not have when they lived here upon the earth.  

Death or dying is the gateway to these wonderful promises