First Anniversary of My Husband's Death

Anniversaries of memorable and life changing events 

are celebrated in many ways. 

     You don't think of the death of a loved on as a day to celebrate an anniversary, but it is! Whether you want to or not, the date brings back vivid memories. As the date approaches there are intense emotions and changes in the physical, intellectual and spiritual dimensions of your life. 

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places"

--Ernest Hemingway

Healing Comes When We Honor Our Loved One 

By Sharing and Symbolic Activities

Robert Eugene Field

30 Sept 1930 - 9 May 2012

     As the anniversary of my husband's death approached, I decided to be gentle with myself and include my daughter in some sort of special remembrance of his life and our lives together. 
     Bob loved cooking and food in general. He won my heart by cooking amazing dinners for me when I first visited him in Nashville, TN. I have a video of him making his famous meatballs! But first and foremost he loved Indian food. He often told people that when he lived in England, working for Proctor and Gamble, he would occasionally have to commute to London and catch the late train home to Newcastle located further north. So he'd go to Soho and eat dinner, trying a new restaurant each time. He was walking down the street and this wonderful smell of exotic spices wafted out to meet him as he walked down the street. He followed his nose and found an Indian Restaurant. He said from that day on he always came back to that Indian Restaurant because he was hooked. 
     Whenever we traveled... anywhere in the world from Atlanta, GA to Bangkok, Thailand we found the local Indian Restaurant to try out. My mother, knowing how much he loved Indian food, bought him a wonderful cookbook and from that day on, Chicken Curry became one of our family's  "special" dinner treats. Although he followed the recipe book, Bob would tweek it so that every time it was just a little different. Brianna and I laugh at the memory of that page in his cookbook. It is so covered with yellow and brown spots, greasy prints and stains that it "could almost stand on its own!"
     The restaurant we found here in Tucson is called Saffron: Indian Bistro located on North Oracle. Bob and I went there several times. It was a bit pricey for our budget, but the lunch buffet was within our budget at $8.95. 

Saffron Indian Bistro, North Oracle Blvd., Tucson, AZ

     Brianna and Bob had their last Daddy-Daughter date at this wonderful restaurant about a month before he died. In fact, he never left the house again after this date. I asked if she would like to go there this year to remember him. Yes!
     It was truly a wonderful day!! Could've been sad, but wasn't... Having Bri there was just the sweetest thing, and we did do lots of remembering... like the great waitress at Saffron who had asked Bob, "Is there anything more I can get you?" and Bob answering, "Yes, another little bowl of Khir (tasty rice desert)" and she brought maybe as many as four more little bowls to him!!! 

Visiting Bob's Grave Site Seemed An Appropriate 

Symbolic Activity To Share With Brianna

     Not knowing how long this would take, Bri got a baby sitter and we went to the LDS Binghampton Cemetery, located on North Alvernon Way in Tucson, AZ,  first thing this morning. Yesterday, I'd gone to Michael's to find some type of container and white flowers (preferably Bob's favorite...roses) to place by his grave. Something tasteful, that he would like. I found no roses but did discover white geraniums that said they were water resistant. The only container I could find in metal was a tall vase like shape in a bronze color. I went to Ace Hardware and bought Quik-Crete. Last night I poured this mortar into the vase and set the flowers into it along with a couple tubes that I could insert flags into if I wanted on some later date. This made it full to the edge of the vase so that during the rainy season, water would not sit in it to create a place for mosquitoes to breed.  It also made it heavy enough so that wind wouldn't blow it over. It set up hard as rock overnight.
Just to be certain it wouldn't blow over or be removed, however, we dug a shallow ditch, mixed up more Crete and poured it into the hole, then set the vase into it.

Notice the howling coyote?  Dale Leeson, a very talented metal artist, created the howling coyote that I'd placed there when Taylor Lancaster and I visited his grave last fall.

     Then we noticed that there was a gallon water jug behind his headstone and that someone had planted a barrel cactus just behind his grave to the right. What a cute little surprise. Someone, and I think it was Bob's son, Rob, planted this little barrel cactus. They left a gallon of water there so whoever came to visit could give it a little drink. And we did! 

A Small Barrel Cactus Symbolic of Surviving in a Hostile Land

 What a delightful day of Remembering and Healing!

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, HE COMFORTS ME

On Grieving

     Recently, the teacher in Relief Society handed me a slip of paper to either share my thoughts and experiences relating to the topic or invite others to share experiences and lead a discussion. My question was “How has the Holy Ghost helped you in the midst of difficult times or when faced with opposition?”  The young widowed mother of three sitting next to me got a question about how the Holy Ghost helped her in her home. She said that she didn’t think it applied to her and didn’t know how to answer it. I told her that just from what I knew about her recent decisions to extend a class at the University for her autistic 13 year old son, that she made a prayerful decision to go ahead with it even though logically, it was going to be quite time consuming. She said, “Oh, well I guess I do rely on the Holy Ghost, don’t I ?” Another woman shared that she kind of felt that we were like swimmers immersed in water. When we came upon something in the water, we’d just swim around it. As Latter-day Saint women, we are immersed in the Holy Ghost if we are living lives worthy of it.

THE HOLY GHOST AND PERSONAL REVELATION

     Then it was my turn to share and I said, I’ve always lived making decisions prayerfully for both the large and small details of my life, so the swimming analogy really made sense to me. I told the women that I really didn’t have many difficulties in my life, but tried to live every day and every hour praying for guidance and wishing to do the Lord’s will; and I invited others to share experiences. One lady shared how when she was first married to a naval man she had a new “friend” come visit saying that she’d been told her that her husband was a Mormon, was she also a Mormon? When she answered yes, the woman began to rail against her and brought up every anti-Mormon  topic she’d ever heard. This young married woman, who also happens to be wheel chair confined, kept thinking and praying silently, ”What do I do?” and kept smiling calmly, not saying a thing. When the women finally ran down and quit talking, my friend simply bore her testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel, and what she believed. The other woman quietly left the house not saying another word.

     Our Relief Society President then commented about me, saying that she felt that taking care of a sick husband and then his dying, was for most people a “difficult time,” but the way I lived my life in proximity to the Lord, the Holy Ghost comforted me and helped me through it so that it didn’t seem so difficult. As I reflect back, there were many promptings that helped me during those last months of Bob’s life. For instance the thought came into my mind that moving a comfortable chair from the living room to replace one  in his bedroom, (one that if I sat in it more than ten minutes, my back would start to hurt) This occurred during what was to be the last ten days of his life. This act allowed me to spend much more time with him. You see at this point, I was using a walker to get around and so was either in a chair or my bed when I wasn’t cooking, cleaning, etc. I really had only enough energy to barely keep up simple daily tasks around the home, monitor Bob’s drugs and pain medicine, and personal hygiene tasks.

I SAW THE HOLY GHOST PROMPT OTHERS TO HELP US 

     Kind friends came over and helped with vacuuming the house and my daughter helped with dishes and mopping floors once a week. I saw the Holy Ghost working in other’s lives as they were prompted to come to visit and help us during the last months of his life. Bob didn’t think he was dying, and I certainly didn’t know when he might die, so we basically lived every day, one day at a time.

     I turned to my friend sitting next to me and said, “I guess my advice to you relates to my own situation, doesn’t it?”

ALL THINGS TESTIFY OF GOD

Leaving Church that Sunday to go home, I was driving through farmland and the truth's that I'd learned about grieving were visually pointed out to me. God was telling me that He is my Shepherd and he will comfort me and lead me.

I called out the window of my car, and this sheep heard my voice and looked up

     On the way home, I saw a flock of sheep grazing on what used to be a rice field or pasture where I’d never seen anything but crops. I love sheep. But I’d never seen any at all around here, much less this close to a road. 

There were sheep of all ages from baby lambs to large wooley sheep.

     

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

     

     All the baby lambs were with their mothers and I thought to myself… the Lord really is “my shepherd” and He does “maketh me to lie down in green pastures” and He does “restoreth my soul.” He leads me in paths of righteousness. Indeed, this last year I did “walk through the valley of the shadow of death” and He comforted me. His “rod”, His words in the scriptures, helped me through it all. I can testify that “His goodness and mercy have been with me all the days of my life.”

Calling out to the sheep, many heard me and looked up.  They came in all sizes and colors including black faced and white faced sheep. Some had been sheared and others had not. If I kept calling out I was afraid they would step over the little mound of earth that seemed to be the boundary to the rice field. You can see how easy it would have been for them by that little guy in the center that is standing on the mound. These mounds are used for flooding the rice paddy during the growing season.

     

     The Holy Ghost is the Comforter and  I have been comforted during this time of grieving. My grief has been light and often poignant, and never has been that crushing horrible pain that debilitates. This comes from the knowledge that I know where Bob is right now, and that one day, I will be with him again. He is my eternal companion.This life is just a moment, compared to the eternities that we will be together because of the sealing ordinances performed in the Lord's temple. Our vows were not “until death do you part” but were “for time and all eternity.” What a joy this thought brings. How grateful I am for the gift of the Holy Ghost conferred upon my head that long ago day after I was baptized. God’s plan is perfect. Christ’s atonement was the crowning event that provides this glorious promised  future for all those who will humble themselves, have faith in Christ, receive the ordinances of the gospel, live worthy, serve others and seek to do God’s will. THEN ENDURE TO THE END.

Technology Can Be Very Maddening

     Over the past year, several  people have commented on having problems viewing my blog because the background image is so distracting. Others have tried to post a long comment only to have it disappear into cyberspace. Technology can be very maddening sometimes. I've learned to copy into a word doc if I want to be sure what I am writing doesn't "disappear." This past year, with my husband Bob's death, I've been left with what I call "grieving holes" in my life. I can't seem to get back into a pattern and my blog has suffered from it. A recent friend's comment on my blog has awakened me to the original concept of my BEE postings: that during my life, I’ve enjoyed sharing the interesting things that I’ve discovered in my daily studies and travels with my friends. Sometimes this has enriched their lives.

     So, I will be attending RootsTech 2013 in Salt Lake this March to learn more about where technology in Family History is trending and share what I learn on my blog. Also, I've committed to the local Family History Center to volunteer every Saturday morning. Perhaps I can get back into regular posting on my blog about that, too.

Update on my life

About grieving: Although the Holy Ghost is the comforter, I've noticed that my life has been relatively level. I have moments of tears because a song played reminds me of my husband. Or where I see a scene on a television program that reminds me of something that we've done together in the past and now, we won't be doing that anymore. Yet, through all of these tear filled moments, I know that we are eternal companions and linked together forever. I see Bob's influence in my current life in the details. Like when the cashier at my local Fry's market gives me a bouquet of roses, after a prayerful desire to have Bob around. The rose was "our" flower. Since yesterday was Valentine's Day that Fry's cashier inviting me again to take a dozen free roses that were going out of date, was appropriate. My Sweetie remembered me from the other side of the veil and I got a dozen long stemmed roses!

     My daughter has also had a rough streak of grieving this past month. She is taking college courses mostly online and her math class has been difficult for her this timea round. Her dad used to tutor her in math. He was a gifted teacher and as we homeschooled wherever we lived, he became more and more involved. Finally in Guadalajara, he became her math teacher on a regular basis. Always patient, he would explain things to her in a way she could understand them. Now, she has to struggle doing it alone.

The above photos were taken on Kwajalein where we lived from 1991-5 showing Bob giving Brianna a music lesson and working on a science project.

     I had planned on keeping my grieving process on this blog, but when it came right down to it, I somehow just couldn't do it. I did, however, keep a journal, where I wrote extensively. Recently, I've just made contact with Bob's son from his first marriage (Ann died at a very young age, leaving him with two small boys) and shared with him the many photos we put together for a slide show of his life for his memorial service. I'd put that slide show here, if I could figure out technically how to do it. Hmmm, a future goal is in the making.

About Remembering Our Parents: I was reminded recently about how much I looked like my father, Joseph Marvin Eckles. Apparently as I grow older, the family facial characteristics seem more remarkable. So I posted these photos in Facebook as a comparison. But quite frankly they are the ONLY ones that show the resemblance:

 

 

 

My father above is age 27 and this is me at age 23

 

     My mother, Vivian Ruthe Utterback,  was born on February 1, 1912 and so this month to celebrate her 101st birthday ...she died in 15 Dec 1985, I have been posting quite a few photos of her on Facebook also. I've posted photos from just a few months old on up through her life. My next blog will be about her with some of those photos.